Funny Quotes

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
David Letterman

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Steven Wright

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Robin Williams

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.
Jim Carey

A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.
Groucho Marx

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
Roseanne Barr

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
Will Rogers

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Alfred Hitchcock

Only lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty.
George Bernard Shaw

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
Johnny Carson

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’
Charlie Brown

Television has brought back murder into the home where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock

Women should be obscene and not heard.
Groucho Marx

When I was a kid we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other peoples’ fingers.

A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
Howard Scott

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain

Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O’Toole

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
George Burns

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.
Orson Welles

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
Samuel Goldwyn