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Funny Quotes
75 Percent
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

- David Letterman
 
Amnesia and Deja Vu
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

- Steven Wright
 
Bad TV
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

- Woody Allen
 
Brooke Shields
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

- Robin Williams
 
Carey Hell
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

- Jim Carey
 
Cigars
A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.

- Groucho Marx
 
Complaints
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

- Roseanne Barr
 
Die with Nothing
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.

- Will Rogers
 
Eyes Wide Shut
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

- Benjamin Franklin
 
Film Length
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

- Alfred Hitchcock
 
Lawyers and Mental Defectives
Only lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty.

- George Bernard Shaw
 
Lifeguards
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

- Johnny Carson
 
Love Scene
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

- Bob Hope
 
More Than One Night
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

- Charlie Brown
 
Murder in the Home
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

- Alfred Hitchcock
 
Not Heard
Women should be obscene and not heard.

- Groucho Marx
 
Poor at KFC
When I was a kid we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other peoples' fingers.

- Anonymous
 
Predatory Instincts
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

- Howard Scott
 
Scarce
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

- Mark Twain
 
Sisters
Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain
 
 
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