USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.
A woman is an occasional pleasure, but a cigar is always a smoke.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Only lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty.
George Bernard Shaw
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’
Television has brought back murder into the home where it belongs.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
When I was a kid we were so poor, we would go to KFC and lick other peoples’ fingers.
A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.